Get Off The Roller Coaster

Sitting in the therapist's office I could hear her words, but the thoughts I had didn't align with what she said, "Get off the roller coaster."

As a parent, one of the hardest things to do is to stand by and watch a child line up to get on the proverbial roller coaster of life…especially when you see that it's not a roller coaster at all. It's a death-trap jalopy on a one-way trip to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Roller coasters are exhilarating, sure, but they're about as safe as any other daily activity.

There's a lot of joy in being a parent, but parenting? That's hard. At times it's awful. Being the enforcer, the rule maker, the boundary setter…it's important but it can be heavy. With five kids under our roof, it's essential to everyone's health and well-being.

Same Rules Apply at Work

The same goes for leadership, boundaries and rules are essential to cultivating a healthy work environment. Employees, just like toddlers, thrive when they know the rules and believe them to be just.

At home, my wife and I have always considered ourselves fair in our navigating challenges, in doling out punishments, and in our dealing with consequences. We try to manage expectations and set boundaries with our kids. They're held to the same rules, but they're treated as individuals.

But here's the rub: people are, well, people. They don't always do what you want, what you think is logical, or what you know is best for them.

Sometimes there's a child or employee who simply won't comply. Who considers themselves above the rules. Who sees things as they wish they were, rather than as they are. Who takes no responsibility or accountability.

It's hard to lead a company with love, compassion, and empathy when you have a toxic employee in your organization. The same holds true for family life, but you can't exactly fire a child.

The Story They Tell Themselves

A child (or employee) like this is telling themselves a story, and it usually goes something like this:

This is so unfair. I get punished for doing NOTHING wrong. They've got it out for me. These rules are ridiculous and pointless and designed to make me fail. And besides, none of this is my fault. It's his fault, her fault, their fault…

When we're able to see clearly that mentality blossoming, it's a blessing and a curse at the same time. As a parent, I want to fix this before it sets my kid up for a life of discord and trouble. As a leader, I need to nip it in the bud before discontent among my productive, positive employees takes root.

You Can't Fix It From Inside the Jalopy

And here's what the therapist was really saying to me when she said "Get off the roller coaster." She was saying, you can't jump in the jalopy of death and try to fix it as it picks up speed heading toward a cliff. It's tempting, but it's not helpful.

As a leader I have to know this about myself: I AM NOT YOUR THERAPIST. I CANNOT FIX A BROKEN MENTALITY. I CANNOT CORRECT SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS.

It's easy to get caught up trying to help, but you can only nurture, lift, and coach people as much as they are willing to be coached. If they can't follow the company rules and play nicely with others, you have one choice if you want to protect the business: fire them. I've run agency teams for over forty years, and the ones who break the culture never fix themselves from the inside -- someone has to make the call, and it has to be you.

Whether it's a child or a valued employee, watching them choose the roller coaster is hard. It is painful watching from a distance. It's painful because we see a different ride (and end) in front of them. But it's their journey, their ride…not mine, not yours.

The most important choice you can make is to resist the temptation to jump on the ride with them. This is the same discipline that separates agencies that actually have a boundary problem, not a client problem from ones that keep firing the same nightmare client over and over without ever fixing the pattern.

In Business, You Have an Exit

In business, that means not buying in to toxic beliefs and behaviors. If coaching doesn't work, you have the option to terminate that employee and get them out of your culture before their false beliefs (and resulting behaviors) become an infestation, a cancer. It's the same principle behind why an agency isn't a vendor -- you don't get to keep the culture healthy by nodding along and hoping the problem fixes itself.

As parents, that option doesn't exist. We're stuck watching the roller coaster leave the station and hoping that when the ride ends everyone will get off safely.